Difficult Conversations Part VII: Now the Words
I've spent several weeks discussing preparing yourself and getting into the right energy before having a difficult conversation. Today, we're talking about the words…
The first thing you are going to need are your 1-2 key points. What are the 1-2 things you want the other person to understand (even if they disagree)? This is going to be the anchor should any storms emerge during the conversation.
Next, you are going to need a good opening.
I like to start things by ripping the bandaid off, followed quickly by a positive intention. Spending time with pleasantries delays the process, muddies the water, and invites fear to continue stalling.
"Thanks for coming. We're going to have a conversation that may be difficult. My hope is that we both get on the same page and walk away with deeper understanding and trust.
By stating that it might be a difficult conversation right off the bat, you give the other person a heads-up for the kind of meeting it will be and invite accountability for yourself. You now have to deliver that conversation—no more delay.
Following up with a positive intention lets them know that you are there to be supportive. The issue is resolving the problem, not criticizing the person.
Own your part. If you delayed too long, gave vague directions, or misstepped, own it. But do not own everything. Make sure you own your part, but don't be distracted from the issue at hand.
Stay focused on the 1-2 takeaways. When folks get defensive, you'll hear a variety of things:
"Who said that?"
"S/he always does that. Why aren't they getting in trouble?"
These questions are deflections away from taking ownership. A possible response:
"We're here today to talk about you and your behavior, not who said what or other people's behavior. I want (state behavior) to change and for you to (state clear behavior). Is this something you can do from now on?"
Remember the difference between intention and impact. Most people have well-meaning intentions. It is easy to get caught up in why someone behaves the way they do, but this can be a pitfall. It's important to refocus the conversation on one's impact because that is the only thing others experience. People are measured by their impact, not their intentions.