Having Difficult Conversations Part VI: Setting the Tone

When it comes to having difficult conversations, the main question I hear is, "What are the words I should say?"

Yes, the words are important, but so is how you say it.

Consider the child who just did something wrong:

There are two ways a child can say, "I'm sorry." One is heartfelt, and the other is hollow.

This phenomenon happens with adults, too.

We will discuss words next week. But first, there is a difference between speaking from your head and your heart.

The head can be strictly analytical, distant, formal, and disconnected. There is a time and place for this kind of head space, especially when working with those Slippery Eels I mentioned last week.

The heart is embodied, honest, present, and connected. It is the energy to step into when building trust, holding people accountable, and supporting them to elevate their practice.

Imperfect words spoken from an embodied place go further than perfect words spoken from a disconnected place.

I have a friend who is a ski instructor.

When he worked on Crystal Mountain, outside of Seattle, he told me he preferred to work with the kids rather than the adults. When I asked why, he said the problem with adults was that they were in their heads too much, especially the tech guys.

He said it was like they were thinking about skiing instead of being in their bodies and actually experiencing skiing.

Skiing requires embodiment. So do difficult conversations.

What To Do:

"Feet on the floor." One of my favorite mantras for doing this is "feet on the floor." I feel into my feet and wiggle my toes. This action reminds me that I have a body and helps me stay out of fear.

Know your talking points, but speak from your core. Some folks may need to memorize their words before a difficult conversation. If that strategy speaks to you, practice enough so the spoken word feels natural and not forced. Be open to conversations that stray from your script. Difficult conversations are all improv.

Control the controllables. It's easy to get stressed about how another person will react to you. Unfortunately, you can't control another person's behavior, only your own. Your job is to focus on getting yourself calm, centered, and clear about your messaging. Show up with discernment and compassion.

The rest will take care of itself.