Internal Boundaries and the New Year

I believe any tool is a weapon, depending on how you hold it. I find this time of year is rife with motivational "tools” that are often weaponized to trap people in their own shame.  

It’s taken me a long time to find grace in my own harsh self-judgment. When the flagellation comes up, I now try to stop myself and connect with the parts of me that need love, blessing, and grace. 

If shame thrives in darkness, loving compassion is the light.

This practice of setting down the glinty hammer I usually use to beat myself up (it's so shiny and tempting!) and instead bless the parts of me that are in despair is how I set a boundary with myself.

Internal Boundaries

Nedra Glover Tawwab defines boundaries as “rules, expectations, needs, and desires that help you feel safe and comfortable in life and in your relationships.”

We often think of boundaries as something we set with others. However, I know I am better equipped to set and maintain boundaries with others when I first set some internal boundaries.

An unchecked mind can be an unfriendly and emotionally unsafe place to be. My mind tells me all kinds of terrible things on a regular basis.

   “You’re really stupid.”

   “Nobody wants to hear from you."

   “You’re so selfish.”

   “That was a dumb move.”

 Suppose I don't set a boundary with myself. In that case, the internal diatribe can run rampant, leading me toward self-destructive behavior like silencing myself, procrastinating, being resentful, numbing myself out, and more. 

Internal boundary-setting pulls us back from the self-destructive edge and can sound like this:

   “Let's take a moment to pause and breathe.”

   “How can I talk to myself like I would my best friend?” 

   “I am scared. What can I do to feel safer?” 

   “I don’t have to believe everything I think.” 

   “What do I need right now?”

These boundaries curb the inner critic and internal fearmongering and allow more healthy and helpful parts of me to show up.

These healthier parts of me know that I am worthy of love and am valuable no matter what. They remind me that:

• I am worth defending should someone try to take advantage of me.

• My voice is important, and it's worth speaking up.

• My needs and wants are valid, even if someone else doesn't see it that way.

This January, may you interrupt harsh self-judgment, and create internal boundaries to keep you safe and comfortable in your life and relationships.