The Go-To-Lie

 I think everyone has a Go-To Lie. 

This is the lie you tell yourself when you are scared, tired, hungry, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or sad. It's the voice that whispers to you in the quiet. It feels really true.

Each thought has a singular theme of "I'm not worthy of love and connection." It's shame. But each of us has our own flavor of that shame.

My Go-To Lie sounds something like this:

  "You are not that smart."

  "You don't know anything."

  "You are in the way and bother people."

Other people's may sound something like:

  "No one wants to be around you."

  "Nobody likes the real you."

  "You are probably failing."

  "People are judging you."

  "No one will ever really love you."

  "You don't deserve good things."

  "You don't do enough."

  "You're just an awful, mean person."

  "People are out to get you."

The Go-To Lie rarely varies its message. It's always there for you, even if you don't want it to be. Fighting with the lie can temporarily stop it, only to have it roar back in your mind in the quiet moments.

The tricky part about the Go-To Lie is that it feels so real. It usually has a kernel of truth to it: 

  People do judge others. 

  You only know the smartest move after you've taken action. 

  You may bother or annoy people.

Usually, you don't know how you come across to others. You don't know what other people are thinking. This vulnerable space of "not knowing" is the welcoming bell for the Go-To Lie to come in and do its thing.

So what can you do?

Identify your Go-To Lie. If you can identify your consistent, disempowering thoughts in advance, you can respond to them in ways that move you forward instead of bringing you down. 

Treat your Go-To Lie like an old friend. This lie probably came into your life when you were young. It kept you safe. It did its job to keep you alive. It played such an important role. But its glory days are over. Beating it out of yourself or scaring it away will only make it come back bigger and louder. Instead, invite it in for a cup of tea. Listen to the stories of the good ol' days. Thank it for its service. Then look for signs that you do matter.

Recognize that it is a lie. Brene Brown talks about how if we look for signs that we are not worthy, we will find them. And, if we look for signs that we are worthy, we will find them too. It is too easy to let the negative beliefs in while swatting away the positives. Let in the positives. Acknowledge the unknowns. Look for the bigger Truth. 

Connect with a trusted person. Few things are more valuable than having a trusted person to check in with, especially when your Go-To Lie is activated. A trusted person holds up a clear mirror, revealing your beauty and flaws. Your trusted person will listen to you fully, give honest feedback, and be in your corner. If you don't have one, book some time. I'm here for you.