Why it’s so hard to ask for what you want

When I was deeply entrenched in my people-pleasing pattern, I did not know what I wanted. 

I didn't know what I wanted in my relationships. 

I didn't know what I wanted from my colleagues. 

I didn't know what I wanted for my birthday. 

It's not like I was being coy or trying to do some manipulative mind game. It's just that I was clueless about my own wants and needs. I wanted to ask everyone, “What do you think I want and need?”

It seems so simple to ask for what you want. And for some people, it is. 

For those who know what you want, your inner desires are likely clear. There is a superhighway between what your body communicates and what you want to say. It feels good to be the decision-maker, taking control of the reins of your life. You might struggle with different things, like how to flex or adapt when you don't get what you want (which is a topic for another newsletter). 

However, for those who fall into the “please please please don't make me decide because it might be the wrong decision and I don't want anyone to get mad at me” category, what you want can feel galaxies away. 

For these folks, you likely know what you want when you're alone. It's when other people enter the picture that things get tricky. The impulse to default to the wills and whims of others is overpowering. Maybe you were the peacemaker in the family, learning young to surrender your needs and wants for household peace. 
In that abdication, you likely lost your sense of self, deeply burying your needs and wants.

So, let's peek under the soil and see what got hidden:

• Before you can Ask for What you Want, you need to Be Courageous Enough to Speak.

• Before you can have courage, you need to Believe What you Want is Valid & Worth Asking For.

• Before you can feel worthy, you must Trust your Internal Signals Without Interference from your own Mind & Other People’s Opinions.

• And, finally, before you can trust yourself, you must first Be Attuned to the Signals your Body Sends around Want & Desire.

Phew! A lot is going on beneath the surface. 

At the root is a phenomenon I like to call Floating Head Syndrome. FHS is where you hardly realize you have a body and spend most of your time in your mind, even when exercising or doing physical work. When I'm experiencing FHS, I hardly know when I'm hungry, thirsty, or have to pee. I'm completely disconnected from the physical sensations of my body. 

If I do sense the impulse to raise my hand or flee a situation, it may be overridden by the justification mechanism of my mind or other people's opinions about what I'm sensing. This is tricky for those with the Disease to Please.

If those two hurdles are successfully overcome, next up are the Worthiness Gremlins: Do you deserve to want things? Are you good enough to ask for this? Who do you think you are?
Should that dreadful blockade be successfully traversed, the next is having the courage and faith to speak. Many people worry about the words to say, but if the rest is aligned, all you need is courage, and the words will come. 

And that's when you can ask for what you want. 

To be treated kindly. 

To be believed.

To eat Thai food for dinner.

Whatever it is, it will come.